Thursday, September 29, 2011

Getting Old is Weird

See this moose on the right with the dewlaps? Does she wonder where they came from? I look at the thin and wrinkled skin on my toned upper arms that somehow appeared when I wasn't looking and I was out somewhere inhabiting a ten year old soul that will always be mine.

Just recently I read an excellent novel, "Emily, Alone" by Stewart Onan about an eighty year old widow, ten years older than me, getting by in a life well-lived and it was frighteningly familiar. Am I on this exact track? Onan so accurately describes the small routines and anxieties I get a whiff of. The woman does her crossword puzzles, talks to her dog, worries about her children and grandchildren, and sees the last remnants of her neighborhood as she knew it being sold house by house as the inhabitants die and she remembers the old times when all the kids played outside and the parents had potlucks and drank too many martinis.

This wasn't us, but there are some close parallels. We came of age as parents and citizens in the late sixties and seventies. We didn't want to be like our parents, but we knew that we would be more prosperous than they were. This is certainly not happening now; expectations have changed.

But what is still true is that there is still a disconnect between generations. Unlike the Onan protagonist, we have come not to expect anything from our children and grandchildren. We don't expect them to be interested in our lives. We love them and have majorly supported them as they have gone forth in their lives. This is our joy.

We have never wanted them to come on demand for requisite family holidays. Way too stressful! We welcome them whenever they can come, and to be honest, we kind of keep track when it has been months or even a year since they came to visit.

Long ago when it was obvious that our nuclear family all lived thousands of miles from each other, we embedded with local friends who have become our family. More than ten years ago, my friend Maria and I "adopted" each other as sisters. Maria and her husband Jay, my brother-in-law are just family now. Local sisters that we are, we can ask anything of each other. Jay and Maria are absolutely as important in our grandson's life as we are. The Auntie and Uncle Jay.

We all live so far from each other and we all have busy lives. Such a truism. You never know how things will turn out. Our daughter bought a lovely urban house and we renovated a garage out in back to be our pied a terre when we are in the city. Turns out that we love being there- but only for a short time. After 24 hours I long to be back home on the ranch where I can stretch out and be me.

I love being close to my youngest grandson. Often he comes to visit at the ranch. He has his own room and a playroom and knows every nook and cranny here, every book on the shelf. He's now driving the funky golf cart (while I grip the side). He doesn't notice my wrinkles and we can be kids together. Who else but a six year old kid could join his seventy year old grandma in the daily workout with weights? See my bruises.

I wish I could see more of the other grand kids. The upstairs playroom just gets more complicated and full of toys and books. We haven't removed the baby gate yet.

But, being weird as an old person, you just have to take it as it comes.

Being old is great. Time to do the generative things, volunteer in the community, have those small routines, belly laugh with a six year old. But I still hate those wattles and wrinkles!

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Pundits in Black Suits

They are there all day and all evening, these pundits in black suits. They explain and opine on our radios and televisions and Twitter and Face Book. They are Democrats and Republicans, intelligent and dim. They have solutions to our enormous problems in this country.
Our economic problems seem far too large to be solved by any of the fixes we've heard. Pretty soon, it seems as if it's all "yatta yatta". We hang up our attention because we know that there will be no agreement in congress. Any good solutions will be dashed by partisanship. And, in any case, are there good solutions? So, tune out.
I am very very afraid that this America we all used to love will bottom out somehow. How can we get more jobs if there aren't any people to buy more goods and services? How can we jump start this economy if no one is willing or able to take the risk of putting enormous money into something like the WPA? 
I know it won't happen, we'll just keep on with the pundits and their forecasts, and lots of hot air. 
No wonder that the naive electorate cleaves unto the National Enquirer Fox News folks. What are they to think?? There is nothing sensible out there, so, hey, go for the big hair gal or guy.(especially if he/she isn't a person of color.)
Somehow, after a lost decade or two, we may begin to climb back out of this. We may begin to see that our 'barbell' society doesn't really work. Maybe we'll see that everyone (the rich, the big companies, big oil and big pharma etc.) really need to pay their fair share if we are to have a civilized country.
But, for now, I see the playing out of greed, mean spiritedness towards the less fortunate, and an unwillingness to compromise.
My glimmer of hope is the local energy and willingness to make things better here. I know so many good folks who just keep on keeping on doing good works, taking old folks to doctor appointments, building houses, picking up trash, reading to children, making gardens.
I hope this us US!


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Thinking Back

Everyone has their stories of what happened and where they were on that terrible day ten years ago. Watching these people describe those excruciating experiences they had on that day and for months and months after, hurts our hearts. Even those of us who were fortunate not to lose friends and loved ones and never knew anyone who toiled at Ground Zero,  still grieve.
It is amazing that ten years have passed, and in that time we and our country have changed so much. I think we lost our patriotic innocence that day. Even through the "bubble" time of the spending and greed, we wanted to believe somehow that we were invulnerable. And yet, the edges of our confidence were beginning to fray as we looked the other way.

We stopped asking hard questions. No down payment on those McMansions! Don't think about the inevitable costs of maintaining such a grand place! Get that ginormous SUV on time payments, gas is cheap. Quick! Rack up everything on plastic.

We found out that giant Oil will spill, financial institutions will implode, and that huge house you got on credit will have a roof leak or a sink hole eating away the foundation. If you look the other way for just one second greed will compromise those wonderful natural places where we used to go camping. The bills will come due.

We thought our safety net we relied on would hold us up. Nope. Fully a fourth of us have no health insurance. We worry that as we lose work we'll have no more unemployment checks to put food on the table. Our education funds keep on shrinking. Our roads and transportation need major overhaul.

At least our seniors can count on Social Security and Medicare. But wait! We are in such a financial hole that even these programs we count on are on the cutting table. And who among us is concerned about those other folks who struggle, whose kids sometimes don't have enough to eat, can't get healthcare or dentristry or decent housing?? Lots of folks that I know. But it can't be done without a comitted government, state or national. This is what a civilized country does- "of the people, by the people, for the people". What's so bad about taxes?? The revenue makes that civilization happen.

This is the last decade. Oy vey!


Sunday, September 04, 2011

The annual girl posse visit

This is the tenth year they have visited us at our ranch. This year Alex's little sister, Eliza, second from left, joined the group. Most other years Sarah comes, but this year she had already returned to college in North Carolina. Here they are in the kitchen where we have already cleaned up after a wonderful dinner and we are about to play cards. (Oh Hell!)

The visit is always highly traditional. I anticipate their coming as I do visits from my grandchildren. When they were younger they stayed upstairs in the main house but in the last several years they bunk in at the guest house and come down for all meals. They lounge about on the porch with the dog and in the house. Instead of reading novels as they used to do, they are now focused on their studies. There is time for the truck ride around the property, the golf cart drive, swimming, some exploring. They are the easiest of guests!  In the morning when they're ready they come down to forage in our kitchen. We oldsters have long since done our work-outs, read the papers, and are at work in the studios. Everyone feels comfortable.

These children (I always think of them as such) are so dear to my heart. From the moment they were my students way back when, I understood that these special kids were unique, gifted, and so kind. Now, Katie, Alex and Maddy are still roommates, still lifelong friends. I rejoice to see them in their young adulthood. We are so interested in what they did during the summer and what they anticipate doing for their senior theses. We have observed their growing competence and confidence.

Like most young people, these are like our own children; they don't ever ask us about what is happening with us. I suppose this is because we in the older generation must be static and seamless. And who wants to hear about health and finance problems?? They depend on us to tell them if anything is 'happening'. It must be apparent to these young women that we are more wrinkled, more gray.

During the weekend we talk a lot. The girls were here for a dinner when we had neighbors over. It was a lovely evening.

We expect to see some or all of these young women here as they need the quiet space in the guest house to write their theses. And I'll love thinking of them there and I'll also know they need no attention. What a gift our friendship is!