Valentine

Here are Andy and his youngest grandchild, Quincy, fixing a broken part on the wooden truck Andy made for him. It was a horrid task to do but Quincy persisted and he and Andy got out the tools and set to work.
I love to see the two of them, so trusting and loving of each other. Having grandchildren gives you another shot at repairing the idea of your better self. When our own children were young, we so often did not have the time to fix stuff for them..
This old white haired guy is still the love of my life. We have known each other for fifty years, since we were in college. I knew immediately that this man was a good and interesting person and we could be in the long haul together. We navigated the world of being in the "sandwich" generation: just between our parents who took it for granted that the wife would raise the kids and do everything domestic and the husband would bring home the bacon, and the next generation who negotiated everything. With us, I always worked outside the home, but also I expected to do everything domestic. It was exhausting, but at the time it was expected.
Gradually, our deal shifted. We became equals. We talked our heads off! We came to be able to do the domestic things we wanted to do and were good at. Andy is a wonderful and creative cook and he does that. I love to be outdoors so I do the garden. I like to clean up stuff, so I do that.
But whatever deal a couple feels is right, the main thing is being interested in each other. When both of us were working full tilt, we often felt unappreciated by each other. This happens and you begin to feel that you would do better elsewhere. Kids ravage a marriage as everyone knows. Kids also are so incredibly wonderful (even as toddlers and teenagers!), you clutch each other in bed late at night, holding your breath for the fragile magic of them.
Then the children go, and you hope you have given them your best. They may or may not like you. Parents wish them well, and if you are as fortunate as me, you now have a lot of time with this guy you married so many years ago.
I love the rhythm of the days we spend together, our routines, our friends, the wonderful place where we live embedded in the natural world. I love our many conversations about everything and anything. I love the edginess of our conversations, I love our questions to each other, and our observations. I love talking about people, books and the articles we read. I love our arguments and our walks. I still find him fascinating.
In the almost fifty years of our marriage I have never, not once, doubted Andy's integrity. He has never cheated on taxes or me. He always conducted his company in the most honest manner. He never wanted to shoot anything and he never kicked a dog(No skeletons in this closet!) He has never taken a short cut. He is extremely generous to the community and to our huge family.
Sometimes I wish my husband was more demonstrative, but, hey, everyone knows this is a guy thing.
In the long run I believe that the most important thing for a long term relationship is that you keep up the respect and communication and that you actually have stuff to TALK ABOUT, and laugh about.
So, I celebrate Valentine's day. We will not give each other roses or Hallmark cards. We will have a spell in the hot tub, massaging each other and enjoying the waning moon overhead. We will then sleep in our lovely bed (with the dog) and think of the day tomorrow when all our progeny arrive.
Happy Valentine's Day!